What Is Sex Addiction?

Sex addiction is like many addiction. It is a compulsive behavior that overtakes the mind and body. It is the inability to control sexual behavior, sexual thoughts, urges and sexual impulses despite negative consequences. While sex addiction is not an official mental disorder, according do the DSM-V, studies have shown that the concept of sex addiction is like other addictions in that it does affect the brain in similar ways as a chemical or drug addiction or substance use disorders. 

When it comes to sexual addiction there’s typically a cycle that occurs and it looks like this: 

Compulsive thoughts 

• Acting out
• Regret
• Numb
• Trigger
• Acting out

What is a Sex Addict?

A sex addict is someone who cannot control their sexual desire and continues to engage in sex even if the responses or outcome is negative. A sex addict is a person who has a compulsion to be sexually stimulated and can present itself in varying ways. Sex addicts will often find themselves in a compulsive engagement where the only result in their mind is sexual gratification. These engagements are often a sexual behavior that presents itself as an addictive behavior. 

Sex Addiction and the Brain

Like with any addiction, acting on the thoughts, in this case, having sex, releases dopamine which is the chemical in your brain that makes you feel good. Yes, that happens to most people when they have sex but the difference is, is that there’s a compulsion to always have that feeling. It’s like how some people can drink a glass wine and not be an alcoholic with a substance use disorder. It’s not a character flaw, it’s not something you did or didn’t do, it’s not will power, it’s just how your brain is. And the way to get around it is by changing the way your brain thinks about sex. 

Signs and Symptoms of Sex Addiction

Signs of symptoms of sex addiction vary. When someone is struggling with sex addiction, one of the main symptoms is how a person feels after the sexual engagement.  Depression, shame and guilt are common signs of sex addiction. When these factors start to interfere with every day life such as impacting relationships, health and career, then it could be a sign that there is a problem. Another symptom is a compulsion to have sex despite a decrease in sexual functioning. 

Causes

There is no one cause for sex addiction. Sometimes, the addiction occurs as a consequence of past trauma from childhood sexual abuse or a past sexual experience. For others, it comes down to a mental health disorder such as impulse control disorder, bipolar disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder that manifests itself into a hypersexual disorder. Certain neurological disorders or medications can cause a sex addiction as well. 

Treating Sexual Addiction

Overcoming a sexual addiction isn’t just about stopping sex. There’s so much more that goes into it. Not only do you have to focus on changing the way you think about sex but you also have to focus on other areas of your life. Figuring out how you got this place to begin with, taking care of your physical and mental health and also retraining your brain so that you can have healthy relationships that don’t revolve around sex. 

One journal activity that we do to start retraining the brain is one that involves thinking critically about behaviors. Working through these practices on a regular basis will reduce the loss of control. 

1. What are the disadvantages of my behavior?
   1. Ie: takes up too much time, unhealthy relationships, costs too much money etc.
2. What are the benefits to me changing my behavior?
   1. Ie: increase productivity 
3. What are the disadvantages to me continuing my behavior?
   1. Ie: I continue to feel bad about myself 

The way we talk to ourselves is powerful. Our internal dialogue. The stories we tell ourselves really shape our thoughts, feelings and actions. One way to do that is to dig deep into your mind and anytime you have a thought about sex, do your best to refocus that thoughts. Not necessarily ignored but rephrasing is a way to retrain your brain. 

For example, you might currently say to yourself, I” have a high sex drive and having sex is what I do.”

So instead you could say, “My old pattern was dangerous and an old habit. I don’t have to do that. I am learning to have healthier sexual relations and rebuild the quality relationships that I care about.” 

Or maybe you are saying, “I am scumbag and the only way I’m satisfied is if I can get people to do what I want.”

This could be changed to, “It’s not my fault my brain is wired like this. I am strong because I am now taking the steps needed to improve my.”

Perhaps you are saying to yourself, “Who here will have sex with me?”

So this could be changed to,  “I’m here for a purpose other than having sex and so is everyone else.”

As you progress through your recovery you might be wondering what the end goal is. Like you might be wondering will I ever have sex again? How often can I have sex? And so on. 

At first, try to aim for 30 days of abstinence and after that, it will fully depend on what type of relationship you are in. 

If you are in a committed relationship then having sex with your spouse is a normal way to proceed but it will look a lot different. When you are in a committed relationship you must agree with your partner on how often you should have sex and yes there may be some compromise that need to give. You may be thinking, “Great I’ll have sex once per day” whereas, your partner may be saying, “No that’s too much let’s do twice per week.” Either way, you will need to have a conversation about it, agree, and be okay with setbacks or changes. For example, you and your partner may agree to have sex every Wednesday and Saturday. But if something comes up on Wednesday night, it’s okay to reschedule or skip that day. When you are recovering from a sex addiction this may feel very uncomfortable but the end goal is to be able to learn now to control the urges. 

If you don’t have a partner, the goal is to learn how to be okay with not having sex and having a healthy masturbation routine. You have to ask yourself how many times per week is a healthy amount of time to masturbate. This should be something you think about in advance so after 30 days of abstinence you have a very specific plan to follow. On average, depending on your age and health, a person masturbates 2-3 times per week. So maybe you start there; Monday, Wednesday, Friday, in my own private space without the use of porn or anything online. People with sex addiction should be cautious to not trade sex addiction for porn addiction. If you do struggle with porn addiction as well then that should be treated at the same time. The goal is to have a healthy relationship with masturbation. Compulsive masturbation is something to avoid. Some people find this hard to do while others find it easier. 

If you are finding it hard to masturbate on your own the best thing you can do is skip the session completely and wait until the next day. For example, if you plan to masturbate Monday night, you put your phone and computer away, and then cannot get erect or aroused, don’t force it. Give up and move onto to something else like watching TV or even sleep and then try again Wednesday night. This is you retraining your brain and this is the process of getting your brain back to its baseline. Eventually, you will be able to get fully aroused and have an orgasm that isn’t dependent on a person, porn, or any sort of outside stimulation. Be patient with yourself as you work through this. 

Getting Help

If you take course here at CSPMA you will be able to retrain your brain about how you think about sex and be able to understand why changing your behavior is important. You don’t need an official diagnosis to get help. A lot of students come to me and are worried because they have never talked to anyone about this. 

I do encourage my students who have a mental health diagnosis such as a mood disorder, depression or anxiety or those who have suffered from any form of abuse to talk to a mental health professional in conjunction with my course. I also encourage my students to talk to a medical professional about treatment especially if they are on medications as certain medications can cause adverse consequences such as hypersexual behavior. But, not everyone is comfortable talking to people about their condition or going to therapy and that’s okay. Behavioral therapy can be helpful but it’s not essential in getting started. That’s what makes CSPMA so great is that you can get the help you need from the comfort of your own home. We help people who struggle with sexual behavioral addictions such as  masturbation, sex and porn addiction. 

Your recovery experience should be on your terms, on your own time at your own pace. All you need is motivation and the desire to change your life.